What Happened
Our son has been struggling to gain custody of his 3 sons all their lives. He made bad choices in relationships, got into trouble of his own and finally settled down. A year ago, the state child welfare agency took the boys from their mother, and the courts awarded them to him. We all realized right away there was no way he could afford to move out and sustain a life above abject poverty. I suggested that we build bedrooms in our cellar for them and live together as a multi-generational household. Since I work at home and have the strongest relationship with the boys, I became the natural choice for primary caregiver.
How I Coped
This is the challenge of my life. I made the decision to invest my all into making this family succeed the day they moved in, and it rests mostly on my shoulders because the kids turn to me for trust, advice and affirmation. Meredith, my wife, wants it to work, but she’s not as emotionally committed. She doesn’t have the energy or interest in reparenting. Darren has no idea how to handle his children. Even when he lived with them, he was remote, and the tension in his marriage was bitter. He needs to repair the broken trust with the kids, deal with their anger towards him and their mom, and everything in between. Hopefully, he’ll learn as we move forward and life calms down, but that’s a long way off.
That means the boys count on me for reality: a huge burden as well as an opportunity. With everyone’s support, a lot of patience, and some serious hard days ahead, I know I can lead this family into a better place. It’s going to take a long ten years and I’m already so emotionally invested in its success that watching our middle boy slipping behind is pulling me down with him. Darren was a hyperactive boy and is still hardwired that way. Collectively all three of these boys are easier than he was as a kid. But I can see Alex going down that road and I want to reroute it to a better outcome.
Financially, we’ve cash retirement funds to pay for the renovation and child expenses. With our own income down and Meredith postponing retirement, it will take three incomes, my full-time child care, cutting back on any loose spending and all we can pool to keep everyone fed, housed and clothed. We have no choice. Darren can barely cover his personal expenses and pay past debts. He has no money to raise children until he gets that under control. Is that crazy? To sell your retirement for the well-being of grandchildren? I can’t answer that for everyone, but Meredith and I didn’t hesitate. We never lived a life for the money. Now is not the time to start.
So here I am looking at Alex’s lost expression over fourth grade math, while he struggles with the concept that he’ll never live with his mother again. Brandon, at 12, hides his troubles behind bluff well-being and a tinderbox temper. He is angry about having essentially been abandoned by two mothers because his birth mother left when he was five. Then there’s Michael. In kindergarten he’s the least troubled because he’s so young. But he arrived here with serious speech delay and still in diapers at almost 5 years old.
Lessons Learned
I’ve always been an overachiever, and this has got to be the biggest bite I’ve ever taken in one gulp my entire life. But I’m not a young man anymore, and I have to face the fact that I can’t just push myself through this and hope to come out whole at the other end. I need to learn how to find peace of mind and some sanctuary during the day-to-day struggles we face. I didn’t do that as a parent. I went full out and took it all as it came with all the health issues and emotional baggage dragging along behind. I’ll choke on it if I do that this time around, and it won’t serve the children well, either. Finding that middle ground is hard.Hardest Part
There are some things I can’t do. In many ways the hardest part has been dealing with Darren. Getting him to find time for his boys, help around the house, and feel a part of the team is frustrating.
Most Rewarding Part
In the end, this first year has been good. All four boys, including their dad, are doing much better than they were. They know and appreciate they have a stable home, although it has been hard on us.
