Why Adult Children 'Divorce' Their Parents

More and more adult children are divorcing their parents, which is when an adult completely cuts off contact with their parents. A recent study found that 26% of Americans are estranged from at least one of their parents. This research also found estrangement, defined as little to no contact with parents, to be on the rise. What's driving the increase in parent-child estrangement?

The reasons for estrangement vary, as do the lengths of time for the estrangement, but it's not always permanent. Sometimes, there is hope for reconciliation after a divorce from a parent.

Reasons for Estrangement

The reasons for conflicts between parents and adult children vary. Some adult children have severed relationships with parents due to traumatic childhoods: They were abused or grew up with parents whose drug or alcohol addictions interfered with their parenting.

Occasionally, family disputes have erupted over money. In other cases, however, the reasons for estrangement are not so clear-cut. Still, certain themes occur over and over in commentary from adult children who have divorced their parents.

Claims their parent wasn't a good parent

Some children feel that they weren't loved or nurtured sufficiently. Sometimes, that's because they were reared in a time or a culture that didn't value open expressions of love. Other times, it is because their parents truly had a hard time expressing their feelings. Occasionally adult children still feel hurt from episodes that occurred years ago—episodes that the parents may not even be aware of.

Doesn't see a grown child as an adult

Parents and children live for many years in a specific relationship—with parents in charge. Parents sometimes have difficulty giving up that construct. When adult children say that their parents don't see them as adults, they are sometimes correct. Many times parents persist in giving unwanted advice. Voicing disapproval of a child's spouse, finances, job, or lifestyle can definitely cause conflict.

Different values

When children make choices that aren't consistent with their parents' values, the parents sometimes say, "We didn't raise you that way." They have trouble acknowledging that grown children are responsible for developing their own moral compasses.

Trouble can also arise when an adult child marries someone who differs in important ways from their family of birth. Sometimes the difficulty springs from differences in political leanings or religious beliefs. These issues present especially difficult challenges because such beliefs tend to be closely held. Some families learn to live with differences. Others never do.

Social media

Social media has impacted an increasing number of adult children to "divorce" their parents. Adult children can be led to believe that their parents were "emotionally abusive" based on things they read on social media, even if that was not the case.

Harmful relationships

Exactly what is meant by a "toxic" person depends upon the speaker. Generally, it's understood to mean a person who is harmful to another's emotional equilibrium. Those who are overwhelmingly negative, blame others, are excessively needy, or are casually cruel sometimes are called toxic.

Does Divorce Contribute to Estrangement?

Many parents blame their own divorce for their estrangement from adult children. Some believe their children blame them for not trying harder to keep the family together. Others feel that their ex-partner pitted their child against them through persuasion or manipulation.

However, multiple studies suggest that most adult children don't see divorce as a major factor in their estrangement. Instead, the younger generation typically attributes the separation due to the parent's own behaviors, such as neglect or criticism.

The Possibility of Reconciliation

Overwhelmingly, adult children who have divorced their parents say that they did it for the good of their families, or for their own good. When asked whether the parents should try for reconciliation, answers vary. Some consider any attempt at communication as harassment.

What Estrangement Means for Grandparents

Parents who are cut off from adult children are often grandparents cut off from grandchildren as well. In trying to reconcile, grandparents sometimes plead that grandchildren need grandparents, which can be true. Grandparents can fill very important functions for grandchildren.

However, the focus in these situations must be on nurturing the parent's relationship with the adult child.