No one knows the pain of being denied contact with grandchildren like another estranged grandparent. The anger, confusion and sadness can take a toll on estranged grandparents unless one develops appropriate coping strategies. If you have lived through the pain of separation from grandchildren, tell other grandparents how you have coped.
Note from Susan: I have allowed some posts from parents on this site, in the hope that the two sides -- parents and grandparents -- could learn from each other. Soon, however, the posts became combative and vitriolic. Going forward, posts that do not add something meaningful to the dialogue will not be published.Share Your Experience
Tired of Games
- I grew up with parents who made sure I got to see both of my grandparents all the time, which gave me great respect for the elderly. Now as a Grammy of 2, from my stepdaughter who has had a dysfunctional, manipulative relationship with her mother, I see all the patterns of her childhood being brought on to her children (SAD). My husband and I don't see the youngest child because his dad is a narcissistic ass. Lucky my husband and I do see the other one, who is 3 years old, during her dad's visitation because her father was brought up with the same values as I was. The relationship we have with the daughter (step) consists of lies, manipulation, being self-centered, using the children as leverage to get her needs met -- all the patterns her mother used when she was growing up. I'm not playing anymore, and I feel healthy that I distance myself from that dysfunction. I sure miss the grandkids, but it is what it is.
- —Guest grammy
If She Wasn't My Child I'd hate Her
- Just read it here. It's the outline, or Reader's Digest version. http://happysorrow.thoughts.com/posts/the-lie-that-destroyed-the-outline
- —Guest Lindsay
So Happy I Can Help
- When I came back to this site to review new posts, I see that I personally helped someone feel better about their situation, and that truly warms my heart. I can honestly say that even though my experiences have been negative bordering on traumatic, I wouldn't change it. I have learned how to take the high road in all trying situations, which has made me wiser from the experience. I'm so glad that I could brighten another grandmother's day. We all need to stick together. Love your grandchildren unconditionally, and never refuse a chance to have time with them. It may not be on your terms, but if you could choose 3 times a month, 3 hours each of those days over zero days and zero hours? Take that time! You never know, it may gradually increase with time. Mine did.
- —Guest devastatedmimi
Seems All Too Common
- I too have been kept at arm's length. My son's wife thinks only her family counts. I am "his"mother, and that makes me the one on the outside looking in. I am allowed minor contact. It hurts. But it's common that the daughter-in-law puts her husband's mother off to the side, not caring that she is equally interested in her grandchildren, loves them just as much and would love to have the same bond that she gives her own mother and family. But I have come to believe it's best to detach enough that the pain doesn't wear you down. It is what it is. And hurting and living in pain won't make it better.... You have to accept it. And detach. If your daughter-in-law never wanted a bond with you, you can be sure she will see no real value in her child having one with you either.
- —Guest mary
To All Grandparents Missing Their Grands
- Maybe today ... we can think of something good. Something that eases the pain of missing our grandchildren. It's not easy, I know. Even TV commercials showing grandparent and grandchild can be painful. But today we must all focus on the things we have, not so much on what we have lost. It will give you strength in faith. Faith that someday ... just maybe ... our grandchildren will be back in our lives. Good does come to those with patience. I hug you all.
Thank you, Devastated Mimi
- I feel stronger this morning with your response. I thank you dearly and will use this for continued strength when my son arrives next week with my granddaughter. We did have a great bond, and I'm sure with mom not around, she will remember all the good times she had when she visited me and her poppy. Mom has her scared of us, but I now truly believe ... a heart can never forget love. It's been almost 4 years since we were a family. She was only 3 when her mom began the horrible stories and began the brainwashing. She is confused, I know, but I know if I speak to her through my heart, it will instill that trust you speak of. I thank you, Mimi.You're an angel. Hugs, GramaSue
It Will Come Around, Gramma Sue
- You have an older grand that will listen to her mother because mom's word is law. Did you have constant contact with her up until she turned 7? You see, I ask that because if she knew you well enough, eventually she will begin to question her mom about you. Someday mom's story isn't going to add up. Does she stay in contact with her father? If she does, he can convey to her just how much you miss her and if she says anything to the contrary, he can say something like, "Is that so? Because i know for sure that Gramma Sue doesn't feel that way at all. She loves you very, very much and misses you even more. I want you to remember that, no matter what, I'm your daddy and I will never, ever tell you something that isn't true. EVER!" Your son is the key player in this. Even though her mother may tell her these horrible things about you, he must instill a sense of trust with her that may even transcend what her mother is trying to get her to believe. Tell him if he makes a promise, he must never break it.
- —Guest devastatedmimi
What Goes Around Comes Around.
- I'm a grandma, too. My granddaughter's mother is a narcissist, I believe. She has serious mental issues. She controls and brainwashes my granddaughter terribly. She uses her to gain control in divorce proceedings as well. I am sad to think that a mom can do this and get away with it. CPS was useless in our situation. The judge granted us to be able to see our granddaughter, but now the mom has brainwashed her into thinking we are bad people, and she don't want to see us now. How do you tell a child her mom is wrong? She's only 7. The child's dad, my son, comes thousand of miles to visit, and we so want our family back together. He comes next week. What's worse is not knowing who we can turn to for help. Other then God, of course. So that's what I have done...I've put it in Gods hands and good ole karma. We miss our grandaughter....she is our world.And at one time...we were hers.She adored us so. Dear God....hear us pray.
- —Guest Gramma sue
I Miss Her So Much
- My daughter and her husband split up. My daughter was living at a place with my granddaughter until her lease was up. My son-in-law was paying the rent for them. He stopped paying rent and took child support on himself. I offered to let my daughter and granddaughter live with me. I walked on eggshells for a month and a half and gave my bedroom to them. We went to court, and I had to testify against my SIL. I didn't want to but had to. That morning it got so bad that she told me to shut up. I reached my boiling point then and there. I told her not to tell me to shut up. My disabled husband made her leave. Now she is keeping my granddaughter from me. I just lost my only son last year, only 26 years old, to a massive heart attack. I can't take much more. Someone please talk to me. My daughter was my best friend, and my grandbaby is my breath that I breathe! So heartbroken!
- —Guest sad mawmaw
To All Grandparents and Parents
- I have been taking care of my grandchildren for 12 years off and on. It has always been a joy. But as one grandparent pointed out, when you deal with narcissistic people, it is difficult to stand by while they use their children as tools to manipulate your son or daughter. My son was a intelligent man until he got with this woman. Within two weeks she was pregnant. Oh, and did I mention she had a 18-month-old daughter at the time? This woman proceeded to yell at me in public for years. I told my son, yet he did nothing. So one day I met up with her. She yelled at me when I was picking up the kids at a restaurant. I had warned her several times I would be done. I told her this would be the last time I would take care of the kids. I could not deal with her disrespect after all my husband and I were giving them -- gas and groceries, approximately $1500 a month. So I have not seen my grandkids for over 4 months. My son said mean things to his stepdad. All I've asked for is a apology. He refuses.
- —Guest Disappointedparent
- I do understand that I'm not the parent in my situation. I am, however, a parent of a son whose ex tries to control my family by using my grandson to get what she wants. This is what we refer to as a narcissist. I don't think that you know how any of these grandparents parented their children. How can you assume that we ever abused our children? That's so very unfair. What I do see when I read your comment is that YOU were beaten as a child and may have something against your own parents. I have three grown kids that I know I have cut the cord with. But it's them that seem to not realize it. I'm here to support them, but I don't interfere with parenting or relationships. Like I told Abbisunshine, sounds like you may need some kind of counseling .
- —Guest devastatedmimi
Grandparents Need to Realize This
- Grandparents need to realize you are just this grandparents; you are not the parents! I read stories on here. I feel for some, but no one is perfect. Parents (like you were when your kids where younger) make mistakes and learn from them. If the parents want help, they'll ask for it. Grandparents need to cut the cord. Your kids are grown up and are adults with their own children to raise, and I'm sorry, but one thing's for sure: Parents of our generation (myself included) never ever ever would hit or physically hurt our kids like we got when we were children. What you don't realize is that when you hit and beat us when we where children as a form of punishment, all we felt inside was unloved by our parents. Now when you are spoiling our kids and giving them everything and letting them get away with whatever, you look like total hypocrites, because when we where kids we would get told no all the time and would be smacked for speaking to our parents like that. So remember: You'er not the parents. We are.
- —Guest Mom3
Missing Both of Them
- From the beginning I tried to be supportive of my adult daughter even though I didn't agree with most of her decisions. I was there to help deliver my granddaughter, brought them both back home (over 3,000 miles away), let them live with us for a whole year, then put them up in an apartment (that I paid for) for a year, hoping it would give her time to get it together. Never any gratitude or kind words -- instead laziness, steadily lying, cheating and even stealing from me. I was at my wits end and frankly couldn't afford to maintain two households. That was not part of the deal. The deal was I would do this for them out of love and concern, not obligation, but as a transition to get her on her feet. Had to eventually put her out. She went to live with my mom. That didn't last too long. Now I don't know where they are. I get the run around every time I try to see or make contact. I'm afraid she moved back to the very place I pulled her out of 4 yrs ago when my granddaughter was born. It hurts real bad.
- —Guest Sheba
Worried About Heavy Heart/Proud Pop Pop
- I just want fellow gp Heavy Heart to know that I hope things have worked in your favor. The person putting up with all these posts from me is a hero. You've done wonders for me. I am forever in your debt. I went from a hopeless, helpless, disheartened g-ma to a g-ma with clear boundaries and knowledgeable in my state's 3rd party rights (as well as others). This site has given me a direction in my life. Id like to be an advocate and maybe even a lawyer to aid these gp's. To all of them, post here, talk to a good therapist, write down your feelings or do what i did, write to that beautiful grandbaby. If I could, I would post a pic of the box of letters I wrote to my little guy. God bless you all.
- —Guest devastatedmimi
Probably Tired of Hearing From Me!
- I have had the good news that my daughter will have a child toward the end of March. As always, we are thrilled. The paternal grand is going through the same feelings I had, and I can relate. There is an issue with black mold at her home, and my daughter wants it addressed before the baby comes, which is a fair amount of time. I don't know a whole lot about its effects on an unborn child, but I sat the baby's father down tonight. I told him to tell his mama that my girl would never treat her that way, like what my son's girlfriend did to me and my husband, putting her through that hell. I can only say that it feels like a very desperate fearful feeling. They fortunately have a decent relationship. So I hope this doesn't come to a battle. That's exactly what I don't want. I want her to feel included.
- —Guest devastatedmimi