No one knows the pain of being denied contact with grandchildren like another estranged grandparent. The anger, confusion and sadness can take a toll on estranged grandparents unless one develops appropriate coping strategies. If you have lived through the pain of separation from grandchildren, tell other grandparents how you have coped.
Note from Susan: I have allowed some posts from parents on this site, in the hope that the two sides -- parents and grandparents -- could learn from each other. Soon, however, the posts became combative and vitriolic. Going forward, posts that do not add something meaningful to the dialogue will not be published.Share Your Experience
- I need to know what I can do. My daughter is saying I can not see my 3 granddaughters because I called the state police to come check on them after I found out she was placed in jail. The father had just gotten out of jail, and they took him back when they went and did a visit to make sure the babies were okay. I called in CPS to do home visits, and now my daughter hates me for it. What can I do to get visits with them?
How I Cope (Or Do I?) hmmmm
- My granddaughter is now 5. She is a smart, vibrant, loving child. I came to meet her when she was almost 2, due to her mother totally turning on my son for misunderstandings resulting from poor communication. She went back to her ex and decided to kick my son to the curb. Well, to make a long story short, we had established visits without the courts getting involved, but a few years later the mom decided to shut us out for the fourth time! We tried our best to sweet talk this woman. As to my needing to know why the walls came back up? We tried to no avail. She does not answer our calls/texts/ or emails. My son pays child support, but he has expressed to me that he can't win for trying. He has never been married. He tells me she's impossible to talk to, and he hasn't gone to court because he works seven nights a week and when he gets home, he sleeps. I know he suffers from depression, and he also shuts down. My way of coping is prayer.
- —Guest Edmy
Not Permitted to See My Grandcild
- I am a grandmother whose daughter-in-law denies her seeing her grandaughter. I have given my upstairs flat to my son the past 12 years, but somehow their differences led them to public court. They are not divorced but live separately. They are both to be blamed for this situation . But suddenly my daughter-in-law decided not to permit my granddaughter to see me. It is more than 8 months now, and I feel very lonely and miss her and the mother too. I pray for them continuously. Sometimes I feel so lonely that I want to take legal action against her. I know this is wrong, but she is supposed to be a believer. I wonder if she ever read and understood Corinthians Ch.6: 1-8.
- —Guest araxi
Where to Begin?
- My son was killed, and just before had given up his rights. How do I find the baby's name? Also don't know mom's name. He has one I do know of, but mom's not friendly.
- —Guest alicia Bryant
- It's been almost a month, and I have not seen my grandkids. It's killing me inside! But I can't go where I am not wanted. Praying that God will take me through this!
- —Guest vwgti
Unfair, Ridiculous, Extreme, Destructive
- Helpless, sweet grandparents, alienated after years of dedicated love and service for no reason or for a made-up reason, typically driven by abuse or shame or competitiveness or entitlement of those who act threatened by kindness and appropriate behavior. Grandparents bullied by those with attributed power and kept deliberately from those they love the most just because those in power are able to, just because they can. The children often have strong bonds of security and stability with these grandparents, who are removed with contempt and disgust by their superior feeling judges; their own children! While those who are truly inappropriate and even dangerous are so often left free access to the very same children who were removed from their dedicated, loving, enriching, fun, warm, caring, appropriate, generous, attentive and responsible grandparents! In my case a grandchild was manipulated to retract the love felt for the wonderful grandparents.
- —Guest shunned
- Our only son died when our grandaughter was just 6 months old. When she was 4, her mum remarried. Nothing changed. We still paid for holidays, school meals, uniform, trips, EVERYTHING! In Aug 2011, I evicted tenants, one of whom is related to our ex-DIL. It had nothing to do with her at all. Yet on Aug 19, 2011, we saw our now 11-year-old granddaughter for the last time. She said she was not allowed to go shopping for new clothes on Monday (Aug. 20). We have not seen her since. Her name has been changed and her bank account closed. Her mother has even posed as me and cashed in all her premium bonds. All we have is her trust fund in her real name. We saw Katie 5-7 days every week, and not seeing her is killing us. Our friends say we should rejoice in the £300-£500 we are saving each month, move away and live our lives, as Katie is now 12 and could visit on her own. But we doubt she would ever defy her mum, not yet anyway, and our son is dead. We do need to move though, as we cannot manage the stairs, or garden any more.
- —Guest grannygill
Trying to Cope
- Please give any words of hope to me. I lost contact after my daughter lost my precious 7-year-old granddaughter. I don't feel like I can ever be happy again. I don't want her to forget me. I love her more than anything in the world. My heart is broken. .
- —Guest sad gammy
Missing My Two Grandaughters
- The holidays are coming up. This week is Thanksgiving. Once again I won't see my granddaughters. I guess my daughter doesn't want me around the granddaughters. It hurts very much and very deep. I will survive the holidays again, but it will be lonely and sad without my children and two granddaughters. I have given it to God and try not to think about it anymore, because God has taken care of me throughout my whole life, and I know he will help me survive another year. I am so glad to be able to express my feelings with this group. My daughter has a lot of anger, and she takes her anger out on me by denying me contact with my oldest granddaughter. She used to let me talk to her on the phone, and she listened with speaker on. At least I was able to express my love for my granddaughter. Now I am no longer allowed to speak to her. My daughter doesn't even answer her phone when I call, or answer my requests on text, to call me and let me speak to my granddaughters. Praise God! I have given it all to you.
You Can Heal & Move On....
- I watched my mother try and try to win over a vindictive daughter in law re: access to her grandchildren. Disagree with the advice: keep trying with cards and contact no matter what because in certain circumstances the relative blocking access can have mental health/controlling disorders, and it is actually better to move on. In truly toxic situations it is better to give up the dream re: grandchildren and take that extra 'grandmothering energy' and share it with children who don't have living grandparents, etc. There are many children out there need of a loving grandmother figure in their lives....not just biological grandchildren, which if being denied access to, end up the same as no grandchildren. In divorce situations, as well, sometimes an ex with 'parental alientation syndrome' will be someone you do NOT want to share grandparenting with. Yes, you can heal & move on as far as this entire grandchildren situation and estrangement is concerned. (Been there, done that.)
- —Guest Been There
Pain is Unbearable
- It is sad to hear the stories, but I know that I am not alone. Many young adult children of today are very self-centered and make drama out of little things. They use the grandchildren as pawns, which is the worst thing ever. Our own little granddaughter, who is six months old, has never been in our home, which by the way is loving and caring, and my son has been convinced by his wife that he is doing the right thing. I try to keep busy with my hubby and other wonderful daughter and friends as well as family to keep strong, but the thoughts are always there. I am hoping for a miracle. I have tried many a strategy to no avail, so my husband and I are distancing ourselves from the emotional abuse that has gone on for over two and a half years. If my son ever calls, which he does but rarely, we keep the conversation positive and light. He is not the same child that we raised.
- —Guest Ron
- Grandparents Rights Association of USA is striving to change state laws to recognize grandparents right to see their grandchildren. We have 29 states & counting. Please visit us at www.grausa.org or you're welcome to join @ https://facebook.com/groups/GRAMD/ Our goal is to help grandparents see their grandchildren again! Thank you!
- —Guest Sharon
- My daughter has disowned me and has been very violent to me. Now she won't let me see my 4-year-old granddaughter who I fret for and I know she would be wanting me! My heart is breaking, but this she would know. All I would like is to have her and take her places. Her daddy is incarcerated, and she misses him and me. She's too young to be put through this!
- —Guest chrissy taylor
What Did I Do Wrong!
- This article is very helpful. I have no idea why my grandchildren are kept from me. I have begged my son and his wife to talk to me from the moment I sensed a problem, and they refused. Your advice to keep trying is what I struggle with. It seems the more I tried to fix it, the worse it got. Several months ago, I asked my son to give me boundaries because I sensed I would soon be told to stay away. I asked about seeing the children's sports activities, dance recitals and all of those things. I mentioned him taking my granddaughter to a father/daughter dance and that I would like see them off and take pictures. His reply was: "All of those things have always been fine with me. My relationship with you, nor your relationship with my children, has ever been what I wanted. I just need time to work through some things first." I had already waited almost 4 years for things to change. It has been over a year since that comment. Five years should be enough time to get it worked out!
- —Guest Martha Davis
They Are Not Pawns, It is Circumstance
- Did you ever think for a second that the parents of your grandkids are not doing this TO you, but simply made a decision that is best for them and their family? Yes, as a result of that decision, you are hurt, but it is possible they are not using the kids as pawns. Perhaps it is weird to them to have their kids spend time with people they don't like or respect, even if it's their "family," and perhaps they need to cut you out of their lives for their own self-preservation. Don't be so limited in your thinking that they are going out of their way to hurt you. The hurt may be the result of what they simply need to do for themselves.
- —Guest Truth