From the article: How to Navigate Tricky Mother-Daughter Relationships
Mothers and daughters should be close, for they have so much in common. In reality, however, mother-daughter conflicts are heartrendingly common and often negatively impact grandparents' relationships with their grandchildren. Readers are invited to tell about their mother-daughter conflict and any insights to be gained from it. We'd prefer a happy ending, but if your story doesn't have one, perhaps others can still learn from it. Share Your Experience
- I knew today, Mothers Day, would be hard. I just didn't realise how hard. Today, I pray not only for myself, but for all mothers who have spent this special day alone. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
- —Guest Mummysnanna
A Hurt Too Great
- Just over 2 years ago, my precious daughter said to me, "I have my own family and friends now. I don't need you any more." She left my life and took with her my 2 babies. For just over 2 years, I struggled to function, to breathe, to live. Then, on the 30th anniversary of my first daughter's death, she sent me the most vile text imaginable. I curled up in bed. I never wanted to see daylight again. The next morning I promised myself that I would grieve no more. I was a good mother, I am a good mother and no one will take that from me. I have no regrets. Strength came to me, maybe from my angel daughter, and now I go on. I miss my babies and think of them always. I love them and that is what I cling to. Sometimes I think being a mother is just too hard.
- —Guest Mummysnanna
Grown-up Mothers and Their Daughters
- My 34-year-old daughter is married to a great man from a good family, but my daughter does not know how to make me feel more important than her new mother-in-law. She makes me feel like I'm second to her and her new family. It hurts a lot, even though I've spoken to her about it. Now she's pregnant, and I can't see this getting any better.
- —Guest Carole
Mother's Anger Issues
- My mom and dad divorced in 2006, and my mother thinks I act just like him. I don't think it's a bad thing at all, and I get along with my dad more than her. He is not perfect and has his mistakes, but I think my mother resents me because I have similar characteristics as him. I didn't choose to receive the same genetic characters as him, but I do choose how I think and perceive things. Because my mother has a problem with my dad, I have to suffer because of their conflicts. I did not choose to marry my dad or decide to have two kids, nor did I choose to stay in a marriage that was cold. She did, but it seems now that she hates me for being exactly like the man she divorced. Some days are good, but other are just horrible. It's as if she did nothing wrong in the marriage, that she was a saint. I'm 26 years old and still caught in between. I need to start having my own family and don't want to carry that down to my children.
- —Guest neo
Were We Right?
- My daughter and her children moved in with us (6-year-old and 3-year-old) as her spouse had been drinking. She stayed a while, but was unwilling to discipline the kids and stop them from running wild. They more or less took over our home. When we decided to take action, my daughter moved out. I have Parkinson's and need clear spaces to move. My daughter did not comply with this request and moved out after Christmas. Since that time I have had no contact with my grandchildren and was wondering if I have a case. I need to see my grandkids. Thank you.
Conflict with my Daughter
- She is upset because I didn't give up my life to babysit my four grandkids unconditionally. Now she has banned me from seeing them indefinitely. Is there anything I can do to stop this? I miss my grandkids very much. I live in Pa. Please help? Somebody? Yesterday was my grandson's sixth birthday, and it was the first time I was not there for his birthday. This is wrong that she is using her kids like this against me.
- —Guest Yvonne
Jenny Poo to Jenny Who?
- I'm a 27-year-old daughter and mother to my 7-year-old boy Braydon. I wish with all my heart and soul I could be there physically for my son like I used t be. Around the age of five, Braydon's regular weekends with me came to a slow end. I haven't had contact with my son since last January. My mom and my relationship is so damaged from my hope-crushing lifestyle I don't ever know if it can be mended and at this time I feel like I am a lost cause ... although I know I must not think negatively and I must try to fix this situation. But I am so burnt out on unsuccessful attempts that only last long enough to get people's hopes up and then for reasons I do not plan, everything I gained back disintegrates within months. I know my son deserves a better life; that is why I granted my mother temporary custody. I don't want to give up on my son and our relationship. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my baby Braydon. I just want to make the right decisions before he ends up hating me .
- —Guest BraydonAlexander
- All of these mother/daughter conflicts, according to you, "the specialists" are blaming the mom, never the daughter. What's up with that? Have any of you ever been in a predicament such as this? I would bet not. Conflict takes two. You people always blame the mom. What is the point of ever coming to you or reading your books? It's not all cut and dried.
- —Guest Denise Hedgecock
- My daughter and I were so close, I don't know when it happened. She's 23 and tells me she's not doing anything wrong -- she's young. Getting drunk, passing out -- she was not like this. Hurts so much.
- My second daughter of 4 is jealous of my relationship with her 4-year-old son. She is also very misled about my intentions. It's like she is talking about someone else. Its very strange, and heart-breaking.
- —Guest Anne
It Goes Both Ways
- It is absolutely true that "There is no topic on which any mother is as sensitive to as the question 'Am I a good mother?'" This is true for mothers as well as their daughters. As daughters are sensitive to implied criticism from their mothers, so are mothers sensitive to blunt rejection or criticism of any thoughts they might have on parenting as they may feel that it reflects their daughters' feelings about how they were mothered. Both parties need to be sensitive to the 'subtext' of their comments.
- —Guest Guest
I Grieve for My "Daughter"
- I grieve for my "DAUGHTER" and she is not even dead. I'm reversing this as is my situation, and we are not going to therapy, which is a pity. I am getting my lessons from websites like this one. Thank you!
- —Guest Elisa
Mother and Daughter Conflict
- i have arguments with my daughter on how she handles the grandchildren. She doesn't make the right decisions for them most of the time, and she and I fight about it. Then she takes the grandchildren away from me. It really hurts when this happens, so most of the time now I don't even say anything because I don't want to lose the kids. We have such a close bond, and it not only hurts me but them, and I don't know what to do about it. Now they are in foster care because of my daughter's behaviors or lack of, and I am having a hard time getting the kids out. She's in jail, and it's just a mess. I don't know what to do about it. I would love some feedback. The Michigan laws are so messed up when it comes to grandparents. If you have anything to share, hopefully you could shed some light on this for me. I do live in Michigan, so if you have experience from Michigan courts or maybe even Arenac County, Standish, Michigan, and you have prevailed, please contact me. Whoever has input, I'd love to hear it.
- —Guest donna cuykendall
I Grieve Mother & She's Not Even Dead!
- My mother has no warmth in her. I must remind her of Dad, whom she resented for years. She is a jealous woman and has divided her first family and her children with her favouritism. There is no communication between the two halves of the family any more. She shows no sign of caring. It used to take me days to recover after "interactions" with her. It grieves me deeply that I cannot connect with her. I try to learn about her past to understand better so that I can forgive her coldness. I am like a moth to the flame. As she is still alive, I think I should just keep trying with her, though her appreciation for what I do is nil. I try not to take it personally. "Hurt people, hurt people." Why won't she let walls be torn down? Is it that she can't acknowledge her own character flaws that perpetuate alienation? What is the benefit? So that others cannot see that she is not a deep person, a person with no interests. Can't make another change; only can change yourself. I grieve for her, and she is not dead.
- I have a terrible relationship with my only daughter, my only child. Yes, she is a adult now, but makes so many mistakes at age 40. She is unable to sustain a relationhip with men, and frankly is not a good mother at all. I don't say anything to her on a constant basis but when I do ask her a question she perceives it as a critique and blows up. My husband feels that she is jealous of me. He feels she resents my mothering nuturing skills becaue he feels she knows she has none. Of course, he has not said a word to her about his feelings. I do spend all my time looking after her children and they love me which I think she resents. We are going to begin family therapy soon which I hope will help.
- —Guest Patricia
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