From the article: Hints for Communicating With Adult Children
MYOB. That's not only Dear Abby's favorite piece of advice, but also good advice for grandparents in many situations. What is your best bit of advice about how grandparents should communicate with their adult children? Feel free to contribute your response, no matter which side of the generation gap you are on. Share Your Advice
Remember that THEY are the parents
- You need to let your children raise their kids the way they feel is best. Most parents want to raise good kids. But that doesn't mean that they are going to make the same exact choices that you made. Some specifics: * Don't bring up issues over and over. Especially if they don't agree with you. Bringing it up multiple times won't change their minds. * Even if you don't agree (or perhaps especially if you do) you need to let your kids make their own mistakes with their kids. The only exception is if the child is in physical danger. And being made fun of in school is not physical danger. * Remember that a little argument can have big consequences. If your kids lose their trust in you because of a stupid argument that you can't let go of, they won't want to trust you with their kids. If you treat your kids like reasonable adults who can make their own decisions, you might be surprised that they decide you were right all along.
- —Guest Jennifer
Pointers.
- Please read and consider. I sometimes think you don't respect us as adults.
- —Guest Rachelle
Door Open
- I have been leaving that door "wide open," but it is impossible to communicate with someone who will not give you a response OF ANY KIND(!) for over 6 months. I felt like I was beating my head against a wall. We do not even know their address anymore, as they moved out of our county. (It has almost destroyed myself and my husband--especially.)
- —Guest marty
Grandma no more
- Our daughter "cut us off" from herself AND the kids (that I was babysitting). We don't know how to get past it.
- —Guest marty670
Keep Trying
- My son is very hard to talk to. I try to just listen and many times to bite my tongue. I feel that you have to keep trying and always keep your door open. It is hard to let go, but you have to let them grow up and experience for themselves. You just want them to learn from their mistakes.
- —Guest Guest Debbie
Help We are lost
- Our daughter who turned 18 last December started dating a 25 yo guy who she started working with over the summer months before college. He is a very bad influence on her, giving her alcohol, taking her on weekend trips (against our permission). So she decided to stop coming home or obeying any rules. However, my parents (her grandparents) tell me I am to blame, and helped her furnish a new apartment (which she can't afford). They did all of this behind my back (and my husband's). My Dad hung up on me whenever I tried to discuss it with him. This has put such a wedge between my family, how do we cope or bounce back from this turmoil?
- —Guest Lost
Caring for Grandchildren in Crisis
- We seem to be asked to care for grandchildren in crisis, after having little to no contact for a year at at time. It would be nice to have an update and contact in person with parents before taking in troubled teenagers. Also our adult children move in with us during marriage problems, job losses and such. We are pleased to have them. The difficulty for us remains in no contact until a further emergency or crisis.
- —Keisue
What about neglecting their health?
- My daughter needs to take my granddaughter to the dentist "very badly" as quoted by her doctor and she still hasn't made an appointment. I have tried to talk to her and she keeps snapping back at me "she'll take care of it!" What do I do?
- —Guest teresa
Know When to Pull Back
- I don't mind when my mom or mother-in-law give me advice. I welcome it. And I often follow it. What annoys me is when I've listened to their advice and decided to go my own way. Then the nagging and the second guessing begin. I don't want to be disrespectful, but that should run both ways.
- —Guest Amanda
Treat them like your siblings
- Well, not totally, but we can take a lesson from that relationship. Our siblings are people we love and want to help. But we can't tell just them what to do. They make their own choices and have their own families, but they know we are there for them. Try that kind of respectful, equal relationship with your kids.
- —Guest LAMB
Honesty About Medical Matters, Please!
- I wish my parents would be more honest in what is going on with them medically. As the oldest and the child who has moved her family 5 states to be here for them, I would like to know what the doctor has said, instead of getting the last minute calls when one of them is being admitted to the hospital.
- —Guest Libby
Supportive & Understanding
- I always appreciate it when my parents and my husband's parents are honest with us, good or bad. Of course, we much prefer to hear their opinions when we have asked for them, and not unsolicited. :) I want to hear how they really feel about decisions we have made as a family as we all support each other as family. However, if we choose to go against their opinion or advice, they are still supportive of us and stand with us. So, be honest, be understanding, but keep the I told you so's quiet.
- —WhoBear
Don't Judge
- think one of the best ways to keep the lines of communication open is to bite your tongue sometimes! You will not always agree with what your adult children do, and you will be better off if you don't tell them that every chance you get! :-)
- —Guest LeAnn
From the parent side...
- My mother-in-law was always really marvelous about phrasing parenting advice in such a gentle, humorous, confessional kind of way - as in, when Johnny (my hubby) was little he did the most awful thing, we tried this, we tried that, what a disaster, but sometimes this helped. Totally non-judgmental and supportive. Plus couching it in terms of my husband's childhood misbehavior always made it so funny, it didn't make me defensive at all. I hope I can do the same when I'm a grandmother -- because the zipping of lips is really really hard. :-)
- —Guest Jackie
