The Situation
My daughter teaches music part time. When she went back to work after the birth of her first child, a girl friend offered to help by babysitting for her. But she already had three older children. Then her sister had a baby and wanted the sitter/friend to take care of her newborn as she went back to work. Family comes first, and when my daughter realized that her son would be left to cry it out, as she heard the other baby doing when she picked up her son one day, she confided her fears to me. She didn't want to pay so much for so little and have her child treated so differently from how he lives at home.
How I Lent a Hand
I have flexible hours, and I saw that I could help out by coming to their home to babysit while my daughter worked two afternoons a week. This arrangement would accomplish three things: first, they would save quite a bit of money; second, their child would have a loving Grammie to care for him; and third, we'd get family time together every week. This last element was the most important. In today's world, families don't often get time together, less so across the generations. This was a perfect moment to accomplish it all at once. We agreed there would be adjustments to make, but that this would be a perfect solution to the problem at hand.
At first, I stayed overnight between the two days, bringing my dog along as well. She blended easily with my daughter's three dogs, so my doggie-daycare problems were solved, and the dogs got a chance to socialize too. After a couple of months, it was clear I needed to sleep in my own bed, so I began to drive back and forth. That worked out better, because the kids needed their evenings together. There is such a thing as too much Grammie, and I wanted to avoid that problem from developing. I still bring my dog, and she's happy to be with the other dogs during the day, but also clearly likes to come home in the evenings too.
My grandson is a happy child, and he accepted his Grammie's attention right away. Now he's almost walking, eating much more than breast milk and learning to communicate, and I get the chance to be part of his life, consistently, with love and laughter as my reward. This is the way it should be, with the older generation's support given freely to the new parents, with regular time together for all three generations, and most of all, a broader family experience for the children.
I marvel at how being an active grandparent limbers up the mind and the body. I follow the guidelines my daughter sets out for her son's care, which takes some tact and a willingness to learn how new parents do things these days. I help her with laundry and food preparation, usually as a surprise for her to come home to. I crawl on the floor with my grandson. I help him learn to walk and talk. I carry an ever-growing bouncing baby boy on my left hip just as I used to carry his mother. I remember how hard it was to be a young mom, with two kids, with no family support at all. So, I know my helping out is a good thing for my daughter, my son-in-law, and for my grandson. We all get the best in each other with every day together.
Lessons Learned
When we first began, I had many misconceptions about my son-in-law. All of them have disappeared as I have watched him grow into a loving dad, remain the constant provider, and most of all express how much he loves my daughter. He got to see me as more than his "mother-in-law" and all that implies. We've become friends; before we were sometimes uncomfortable in the same room. My daughter and I have grown very close, sharing experience, knowledge and her beautiful skill as a mother. We have much in common, and my grandson brings us all together to share his life in good company. I am thankful for this most amazing day.Worst Moment
When my grandson is just dozing off for his afternoon nap, the dogs barking at something outside and waking him up. It is hard to get four barking dogs to be quiet and to calm a crying baby at the same time. I've learned to do this by ignoring the dogs and singing to the baby.
Best Moment
Every time my grandson sees me, he reaches for his Grammie. He smiles and flashes his big blue eyes. He laughs and babbles at me, as if telling me everything he's thinking. We sing together, "Aaahh, Oooh!" He laughs at "giddyup horsie" bouncing on my knee. And, if he cries, he calms down in my arms.
Susan Adcox, Grandparents Guide, says:
Valerie's story is a perfect example of the importance of spending time with family when the opportunity arises. Her daughter may some day move away and make Valerie a long-distance grandparent. At the very least, her grandson will grow up and go on to larger adventures. But Valerie will always have the bond that she created during his young years.
Valerie Connelly is a writer, publisher, radio talk show host, musician and artist. Her latest book project is The ART of Grandparenting. Read a review, or view Valerie's website to see her art and listen to her music and radio shows.
Do you have a grandparenting story to share? See the list of available topics, or email me at grandparents.guide@about.com if you have a different topic in mind.
