Parents are supposed to be there to care for their children, so it's tragic when a grandchild's parent becomes ill. That is possibly the most common circumstance in which grandparents are called upon to help.
I once took care of my youngest granddaughter for an extended period because my daughter had mononucleosis. That was not a life-threatening situation, although it did make it hard for my daughter to fulfill her responsibilities. Unfortunately, every day many families face more serious illnesses.
When a child who is a parent has a serious illness, grandparents naturally want to help. But the exact nature of the help needed can vary.
Who Should Move In?
Sometimes, as with my daughter's situation, it makes sense for the grandchildren to move in with the grandparents for a while. This works when the grandchildren are not yet in school, as in my case, or when the grandparents live in the same general area as the parents, so that getting the kids to school is not a problem.
The drawback of this solution is that ill parents still crave contact with their children, even when they are not able to provide care.
That leads some families to adopt a different strategy: the grandparent moves in. This solution is a practical one, but it also lends itself to a number of complications. First, grandparents should not take it for granted that they will be welcome to move in. They can suggest it as a solution, but they should not be offended it their order is refused. Multigenerational households present challenges even to families in ordinary situations. A family in crisis may not be able to handle the challenges.
Another situation arises when grandparents on both sides want to move in. Sometimes the ill person is more at ease with his or her own parent. Sometimes one individual has fewer work and other obligations and is better able to help than the other grandparents. A grandparent who doesn't get the nod should try not to feel rejected and should instead look for other ways to help.
When grandparents are invited to move in, they shouldn't expect an easy road. The grandparent is basically filling the parental role, but parents may resent this usurpation of their authority, even though they need the help. Grandparents will need to proceed tactfully, and pull back when they sense that parents are feeling threatened.
Ill individuals are sometimes cranky, irritable, volatile and unreasonable. Grandparents who can't handle the emotional lability of an ill person should perhaps choose to help in other ways.
Long-distance grandparents face a dilemma in that something has to change before they can offer a significant amount of help. Either the grandchildren have to relocate or the grandparent does. Sometimes a grandparent can move to the area but can stay with a friend or family member instead of moving in with the family that is dealing with the illness.
SEE ALSO: Grandparents Who Have Trouble With Boundaries
Other Solutions
Grandparents who live in the same general geographical location can help without moving in. A grandparent's help with housework, meals and child care can be a terrific benefit for a family, but those tasks are just the beginning. Here are some other ways that grandparents can help:
Coordinating the patient's care: Making appointments, filling prescriptions and transporting to appointments can be a great help.
Research: Increasingly patients want to explore every aspect of their illness. Grandparents can be able researchers but should be careful to stick to reputable sources.
Containing costs: How much will the procedure cost? Will insurance cover it? What agencies are available to help with expenses? Where is a prescription drug cheapest? When a family is too preoccupied to worry much about the financial impact of an illness, a grandparent can help keep expenses as low as possible.
Helping Grandchildren Cope
When a parent is ill, children will need special attention. Their reactions will vary widely, according to their ages and dispositions, but extra attention from grandparents should help.
Grandparents can take grandchildren on outings, even simple ones to a park or playground. Being away from home may make some children initially anxious, but they still need to be kids as much as possible.
Grandparents can be supportive of their grandchildren's feelings, although they should not push them to express feelings until they are ready. Some children may feel that they are in some way responsible for a parent's illness, and a grandparent can assure them that the illness is not their fault.
When it comes to giving grandchildren information about a parent's illness, grandparents should let parents take the lead. Once the parents have decided how much to tell the children, grandparents can reinforce that information. Young children frequently ask the same questions over and over, and grandparents should be patient and consistent in answering those questions.
The grandchildren will benefit from an environment that is secure and predictable, and grandparents can step in when the parents are unable to carry out usual routines.
Grandparents can also find ways for children to participate in caregiving. Simple acts such as delivering a snack or fluffing up a pillow can make children feel useful.
Many children also benefit from expressing their feelings through artwork or writing. Grandparents can facilitate these activities but should not push the children in a particular direction.
Teenagers and young adult grandchildren won't need as much help from grandparents, but they will still feel the impact of the parent's illness. Having a grandparent to talk to can be a great help. Some teenagers will break rules and act out when they are under stress. Grandparents can watch out for such behavior and try to head off serious problems.
After the Crisis Passes
In most cases, the parent will recover, and the family will return to near-normalcy. Of course, as tragic as it is, parents do die. In those cases, grandparents will need to help their grandchildren deal with their grief, as well as coping with their own feelings.
In those cases with positive resolutions, grandparents shouldn't expect an easy return to their previous lives. Although they may expect to enjoy a return to routine, they may suffer a letdown. They will probably miss the intense bonding that families often experience during crises. They may suffer from not seeing their grandchildren as often as they were seeing them.
A good strategy is for the grandparent to take a trip with a partner or with friends. If travel isn't possible, shorter outings and gatherings can substitute. Grandparents should concentrate on taking care of themselves, both physically and mentally, and especially indulge in those activities that feed the spirit. Then they will not only be healthier and happier, but also able to help again if the need should arise.