When you were a young parent, did you ever think you'd miss nighttime feeding and potty training? Lots of grandparents admit that they sometimes feel nostalgic for those days, for two reasons. First, in those days we were physically and emotionally close to our children. Second, we were mostly in control. When children become adults, the ball game changes.
For that reason, I love the title of Penelope Lemov's blog: "Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us." I was one of those parents whose Baby and Child Care was dogeared from use. In a parenting crisis, I might call my mother. Sometimes I called my doctor. But I was sure to see what Dr. Spock had to say. Now here I am parenting adult children, and I mostly have to find my own way, with help from fellow travelers like Lemov.
On the left panel of her blog, Lemov has posted "Notes to Self: Daily Reminders." These seven short maxims form a fairly good guide for parenting adult children:
-
It's their life.
-
If they want advice, they'll ask for it.
-
Keep up your own interests.
-
Be enthusiastic. It beats being critical.
-
It's better to be liked than right.
-
Let them treat you to something.
-
Keep good housekeeping tips to yourself.
These guidelines cover most aspects of our relationships with adult children, but they don't address financial issues, which can be the stickiest of wickets. Lemov does address financial concerns frequently with her "Money Matters" series.
Do you have words of wisdom to add to Lemov's list? Here's my contribution:
Overlook it. If you can't overlook it, forgive it.
I don’t know how much wisdom I have but I have managed to keep myself out of any kind of trouble with my adult kids and my in law kids. I have been in the active mother-in-law trenches for 13 years and so far so good.
I verbalize my appreciation for all of them as parents, spouses, and providers for their families on a regular basis.
My adult children have always been able to pay their own way so there is no financial stress which I am sure helps a ton.
We also spend lots of time together having fun and keeping our family traditions alive!
Don’t forget to tell them how much you love them. Sometimes, especially, with the arrival of grandchildren, our attention can get distracted. They may be adults, and parents themselves, but they still need to know they are loved.
Very good advice, Grandma Shelley and Martin H. I remember when my children first became parents, they would make joking remarks about how they used to get attention, but now the baby got all the attention. I think there was some genuine emotion behind the joking. Our children need love and appreciation just as much as the grandkids do, maybe more.
I agree with the tips, but am having trouble with one of my four children’s families because I help them out thinking that I am being the good grandmother, but my husband and other adult children who are parents, too, think that I am a “patsy” i.e. do too much, too easily for this one family. Yes, “it is their life,” but their life sometimes becomes your life too. My daughter in this needy family is resented for supposedly asking too much of me. I am now involved in CogMed training about which I have doubts. Has anyone heard of it?
“. . . their life sometimes becomes your life too.” Very well said, Martha. It is very hard to separate our lives from the lives of our children and grandchildren when our happiness is wound up with theirs. You are the one who has to live with your decisions, so I think you should take the opinions of others into account, but make your own decision.
I haven’t heard of CogMed, but am interested to learn about it. I assume that your training is related to ADHD. I’ve created a topic in the grandparents forum where you can share your experience. Please come tell us more about it.
What I’ve noticed is that the adult children who are not married often get far less attention and “goodies” than those who’ve provided us with grandchildren.
It can be challenging to keep a balance. I try not to “gush” too much over the grandchildren to the unmarried one.