Judge Says Granddaughter Can Stay
To Jimmy Stottler, a retired fisherman, it must have seemed like the perfect storm.
First he and his wife inherited custody of a granddaughter due to her mother's drug use. Then the age-restricted community where the Stottlers live sought to bar the granddaughter from residing there. And the home market was so depressed that the Stottlers couldn't sell their home and relocate.
The court case dragged on for five years, but it was finally settled in favor of the Stottlers. Thank goodness. There's something really wrong when a homeowners' association will consider splitting up a family just to keep their rules intact.
The judge in this case said that his judgment was meant to apply to the Stottlers' case only and should not be considered a precedent for other cases. That's okay. Such situations probably need to be considered on a case-by-case basis.
Last year about this time I wrote about some grandparents who live in an age-restricted community whose grandchildren have been barred from visiting. The bottom line for grandparents: If you are considering moving into a retirement community, read the fine print and think about what would happen in the event of a perfect storm.
Find Exercise Solutions During Women's Health Week
My favorite workout slogan is "Sweat Save Lives." I saw it on a T-shirt, and it keeps me going when I don't really want to get on the treadmill or do another rep. It's a good slogan for this week, which is Women's Health Week, since we now know that being active can lower one's risk of breast cancer and colon cancer, as well as heart disease, stroke and Type 2 diabetes. Exercise can also reduce your likelihood of falls and the likelihood that you will suffer from depression. I don't know of any other strategy that pays off so richly.
Some people do well exercising on their own. I need to go to a gym. Last week I was excited to see a Silver Sneakers logo displayed at my gym. Silver Sneakers is a program providing free gym memberships for those 65+ who are covered under certain insurance programs. I don't personally qualify, but I'm excited for my friends and neighbors who do. Also, if you visit a Curves studio this week, you will qualify for a free 30-day membership. Curves is a fitness program created especially for women. If you've hesitated to join a gym because you're self-conscious about exercising in the presence of the opposite sex, Curves is a great solution for you.
It's Women's Health Week. Find a way to kick it up a notch. Do it for your grandchildren. Sweat saves lives.
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Foreign-Born More Likely to Include Grandparents in Household
Multigenerational households certainly seem to make sense, with so many families struggling to pay the bills and so many young families in need of child care help. Still, it appears that most Americans are clinging to their single-family homes. According to a report from the Census Bureau, only 5.7% of American families live in households of three or more generations, with foreign-born residents being more than twice as likely to live in such households as native-born residents. A tenth or more of householders originally from the Caribbean, Mexico, Latin America or Central America share housing with two other generations, with those from Asia and Oceania coming in just below 10%.
Our country's best-known domicile, the White House, accommodates three generations, and a couple of readers have shared with us how they handle multigenerational living. Still, Americans prefer to be independent and autonomous. We'd rather drive our own cars than use public transportation, and we'd rather live in single-family houses than double up, even though in both cases to do so would be a better use of our personal and national resources. I can't get on my high horse, though, because I own an automobile and live in my home with just one husband.
What will it take to change our ways, or do you think that there is no need for change? Leave a comment below.
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Grand Photo of the Week: Walrus World
Some swear by "Wally World"--Disneyland or Walt Disney World. Others, like this little miss, prefer marine parks like Sea World or zoos, where they can have close encounters with walruses and other amazing creatures. Another group prefers the unspoiled beauty of beaches or mountains.
If you could go anywhere you please with kids or grandkids, what would be first on your list? Leave a comment below.
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Photo © M. Bonin
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Miss Manners to Mother-to-Be:
Have the Party
I don't always agree with Miss Manners. She can be a stickler for following the rules. But her reply to a young mother-to-be deserves a round of applause.
The young woman's mother-in-law wants to give her a shower, inviting all the aunts and other relatives. She also wants to choose the menu. The young mom asked, "Do I say thanks but no thanks to her offer? Or do I go with it even if it means sacrificing what I would really like?"
Miss Manners replied, "Please allow Miss Manners to tell you what you would really like." She should really like, said Miss Manners, having in-laws who are excited about their grandchild and many family members who are eager to welcome her baby. That's the part of her answer I applauded.
Miss Manners is, however, a stickler about family members not hosting showers. She advised the young mother not to invite her own friends, because then the event can be considered a family party and not a shower, adding, "If your friends want to celebrate with you, they will volunteer to throw their own shower for you."
I agree with Miss Manners. Do you? Leave a comment below.
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Some Parents Pay for Chance to Be Grandparents
Those in the fertility business have noticed a new trend, according to an article in the New York Times. When a woman decides to freeze her eggs, her parents are increasingly likely to be a part of the process. The parents are, of course, interested in someday becoming grandparents.
The freezing of unfertilized eggs appeals primarily to single cancer patients who face possible sterility due to treatment and to single women who want to delay child-bearing. (For women with partners, the freezing of embryos is the preferred path.) Freezing eggs is a tricky process that is still labeled as experimental by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, although that label may be lifted soon. The procedure for the collection of eggs is much the same as with in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedures: hormone treatments, followed by collection of the eggs as an outpatient procedure.
The potential grandparents are most likely to be involved financially. The cost of freezing eggs can hit $18,000, according to the NY Times article. Parents may also offer support during the egg collection process. The most important role of parents may be in offering moral support for a procedure that is still out of the mainstream. In some cases, the parents are the ones who are conscious of a daughter's ticking biological clock and thus the first ones to broach the subject.
Knowing that fertility declines sharply after age 35, would you encourage a daughter approaching that age to freeze her eggs? Leave a comment below.
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Give in Small Bites With Sparked.com
When I was putting together my piece about volunteering with grandchildren, I included a suggestion that older grandchildren put their online skills to work to help non-profits. Since then I've learned about Sparked.com, which is a website that matches non-profits needing online help with volunteers. Tasks can typically be done in small "bites" of time. Sparked.com is not the only platform for this type of micro-volunteerism, but it is probably the best known.
Registering at Sparked.com is quick and easy. You can either fill out a short form or log in through Facebook. The next step is picking causes that interest you, such as health and the environment. Next you indicate what talents you have, such as web design, social networking, translation or video. When you complete these three steps, you are offered a set of "challenges." Choose one, and you're on your way to being a volunteer. The ones that were offered to me included recording a book for schoolchildren, commenting on student blogs and finding influential Twitter users in a certain field.
Micro-volunteering is great for grandparents and older grandchildren because it can be done from a computer or via a cell phone app. It'll shouldn't replace hands-on helping, but when time or vitality is limited, micro-volunteering can keep you giving.
A Solemn Look at Mother's Day
If you're looking for a totally upbeat Mother's Day post, you've come to the wrong place. Mother's Day always makes me a little melancholy. This year will be extra poignant, as last week was the 10th anniversary of my mom's death. Since my husband's parents are both dead and I lost my dad last June, my husband and I have become the oldest generation. Being the family matriarch still doesn't feel entirely comfortable.
On the positive side, I'll have all of my children with me for Mother's Day. And since I have a daughter and a granddaughter born in early May, we'll be celebrating two birthdays as well. (We long ago adopted the practice of combining birthday celebrations.) We're going to share a meal and watch the kids play. Then I hope that some of us will make the trip to the cemetery to see Dad's newly installed grave marker.
Sometimes we forget that the word "celebrate" has a rather solemn etymology. It means "to assemble to honor." Today my family will be assembling and honoring. I hope that yours will, too.
Cover Creates Talk, But Is It the Right Conversation?
I hadn't seen the news coverage when I pulled my Time magazine out of my mailbox this morning. I was thus unprepared for the cover picture of a young woman with her breast in her three-year-old's mouth.
The women in my family--my mother, my sister, my daughters and I--all breastfed, usually until our kids were well past babyhood. Some of us had no qualms about discreet breastfeeding in public places. But even for mothers like us, the cover is a a shocker. It's partly the pose. The mother, in skin-tight black, stands with one arm akimbo and the other casually around her son's shoulder. The son stands on a baby chair to reach breast height. Both mother and son stare at the camera. It's hardly a pose to give you a warm fuzzy, which is interesting since the cover story is about attachment parenting.
This isn't the first time that I've been ticked at Time for a misleading, sensationalistic cover. This time the cover image is paired with a question, "Are You Mom Enough?" It sounds like an attempt to start another mommy war, which is the last thing that we need. We need to trust our well-informed, conscientious parents to bring up their children as they see best.
If you're uninformed about attachment parenting, I recommend this overview of AP philosophy and practice. And, yes, there is such a thing as attachment grandparenting.
Do you have an opinion about the cover image, mommy wars or attachment parenting? Leave a comment below.
Countdown for Grandma Camp Continues
At Pirate Camp the grandkids don eye patches and bandannas and make their own newspaper hats. At Grandma Land they feast on funnel cakes and learn to operate a concession. At Outdoor Adventure Camp they collect and identify specimens.
If you're going to host Grandma Camp this summer, the countdown is on! But Denise Hooper has ideas for you. All of these are taken from her book, Grandma Camp on a Budget. And, as you can tell from the title, none of Denise's themed Grandma Camps will break the bank. She recommends keeping costs low by buying items from a dollar store or party supply. Another strategy is recycling; plastic bottles are good for a myriad of projects. Denise also suggests borrowing needed items from friends, family and neighbors.
If you are a Grandma Camp novice, Denise suggests keeping it simple. In a TV interview she did in 2009, she remembers her inaugural Grandma Camp: "The first one we just hunted bugs and stayed overnight."
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